DEAR MAN Worksheet
This worksheet walks you through the DEAR MAN skill from DBT interpersonal effectiveness. Use it to prepare for conversations where you need to ask for something, set a boundary, or say no—without damaging the relationship or losing your self-respect.
Each letter in the acronym maps to one step. Writing out each step before the conversation makes it significantly easier to stay on track when emotions come up during the actual exchange.
How to Use This Worksheet
Work through each section in order before the conversation happens. The goal is not to script every word—it's to clarify what you want and how you'll handle the hard parts.
Step 1: Describe — Write the facts of the situation. What happened? Stick to observable behavior, not interpretations. "You raised your voice during the meeting" not "You were being aggressive."
Step 2: Express — Write how the situation makes you feel using "I" statements. "I feel anxious when..." or "I'm frustrated because..." Keep it to one or two sentences.
Step 3: Assert — Write your specific request or boundary. Be direct. "I need..." or "I'm not able to..." Vague requests get vague results.
Step 4: Reinforce — Write the positive outcome if your request is met. What's in it for both of you? "If we can agree on this, I think we'll both feel less stressed about the project."
Step 5: Mindful — Write down what might pull you off topic. What distractions or deflections might come up? How will you redirect back to your request?
Step 6: Appear Confident — Note any specific things to watch for: speaking too quietly, apologizing excessively, breaking eye contact. Pick one or two to focus on.
Step 7: Negotiate — Write your fallback position. What compromise would you accept? What's your bottom line?
Filled-Out Example
Here's a completed worksheet for someone asking their roommate to split chores more evenly:
| Step | What to Write |
|---|---|
| Describe | "For the past three weeks, I've done the dishes and taken out the trash every day. The chore chart we made shows those tasks alternating between us." |
| Express | "I feel resentful when I'm handling all the shared chores, and I don't want that to affect our friendship." |
| Assert | "I'd like us to go back to following the chore chart we agreed on." |
| Reinforce | "If we stick to the schedule, neither of us will feel like we're doing more than our share, and we can avoid tension about it." |
| Mindful | "She might bring up that time I didn't clean the bathroom. I'll acknowledge it briefly, then redirect: 'That's fair, and I want to make sure we're both consistent going forward.'" |
| Appear Confident | "Maintain eye contact. Don't apologize for bringing it up. Speak at a normal volume." |
| Negotiate | "I'd be fine swapping some chores if she prefers different tasks. Bottom line: the workload needs to be roughly equal." |
Common Mistakes
Being vague in the Assert step. "I'd appreciate it if things were different" gives the other person nothing to work with. State exactly what you want them to do or stop doing.
Skipping Reinforce. People are more likely to agree when they see what's in it for them. Without this step, requests can feel like demands.
Over-preparing Negotiate before trying the original request. Don't start with your compromise position. Make your actual request first, and negotiate only if needed.
Confusing Describe with Express. "You're being unfair" is an interpretation, not a description. Descriptions are things a camera could record.
Digital Alternative
Paper worksheets work for planned conversations, but many difficult exchanges happen unexpectedly. DBT Pal keeps the DEAR MAN framework on your phone so you can work through the steps in real time—even with five minutes of prep in a hallway before a meeting.
Practice DEAR MAN with guided prompts in DBT Pal
Download DBT PalRelated Worksheets
- GIVE Skill Worksheet — Maintain relationships during difficult conversations
- FAST Skill Worksheet — Keep your self-respect while communicating assertively
- Interpersonal Effectiveness Worksheet — Broader interpersonal skills practice
For more on the DEAR MAN skill, see DEAR MAN in DBT: Examples. For a full collection of printable worksheets, visit DBT Worksheets PDF Free.
FAQ
What is a DEAR MAN worksheet used for? A DEAR MAN worksheet helps you plan assertive conversations by walking through each step of the acronym: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, stay Mindful, Appear confident, and Negotiate. It's used before difficult conversations to organize your thoughts.
How often should I fill out a DEAR MAN worksheet? Fill one out before any conversation where you need to ask for something, set a boundary, or say no. Over time, the structure becomes automatic and you won't need the worksheet for every conversation.
Can I use DEAR MAN at work? Yes. DEAR MAN works well in professional settings—asking for a raise, setting workload boundaries, or addressing a conflict with a coworker. The structured approach helps you stay professional while being direct.
What's the difference between DEAR MAN and GIVE? DEAR MAN focuses on getting what you want from a conversation. GIVE focuses on maintaining the relationship during that conversation. They're often used together—DEAR MAN for the content, GIVE for the tone.