Interpersonal Effectiveness Worksheet
This worksheet covers the three core interpersonal effectiveness skills from DBT: DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST. Together, they help you navigate conversations where you need to balance getting what you want, maintaining the relationship, and preserving your self-respect.
Most people are stronger at one of these and weaker at the others. Someone who's great at DEAR MAN might bulldoze relationships. Someone who's great at GIVE might never ask for what they actually need. This worksheet helps you practice all three together.
How to Use This Worksheet
Before a difficult conversation, work through all three sections. Start by identifying your priority, then plan each skill layer.
Priority Check
Before you plan, answer: What matters most in this conversation?
- Getting my objective met → Lean on DEAR MAN
- Preserving the relationship → Lean on GIVE
- Maintaining my self-respect → Lean on FAST
- All three matter equally → Balance all three
DEAR MAN — Getting What You Want
| Step | Prompt |
|---|---|
| Describe | State the facts. What happened? (No interpretations.) |
| Express | How do you feel about it? Use "I" statements. |
| Assert | What specifically do you want? |
| Reinforce | What's the positive outcome if your request is met? |
| Mindful | What might derail you? How will you redirect? |
| Appear confident | What does confident look like for you in this situation? |
| Negotiate | What's your fallback position? What's your bottom line? |
GIVE — Maintaining the Relationship
| Step | Prompt |
|---|---|
| Gentle | No attacks, threats, or judgments. How will you stay gentle even if things get tense? |
| Interested | How will you show genuine interest in their perspective? (Eye contact, questions, not interrupting.) |
| Validate | What about their experience can you acknowledge as understandable, even if you disagree? |
| Easy manner | How will you keep the tone light and approachable? What humor or warmth can you bring? |
FAST — Maintaining Self-Respect
| Step | Prompt |
|---|---|
| Fair | Are you being fair to both yourself and the other person? |
| Apologies | Are you over-apologizing or apologizing for having needs? Limit apologies to genuine wrongdoing. |
| Stick to values | What are your values in this situation? What would betraying them look like? |
| Truthful | Are you being honest? Avoid exaggerating, minimizing, or lying to avoid conflict. |
Filled-Out Example
Situation: Asking a coworker to stop taking credit for my ideas in meetings.
Priority: Getting the objective met (DEAR MAN), with self-respect (FAST) close behind.
| Skill | Plan |
|---|---|
| DEAR MAN | Describe: "In the last two team meetings, I shared an idea and then heard it presented by you as your own." Express: "I feel frustrated and undervalued when that happens." Assert: "I'd like you to credit me when you build on my ideas." Reinforce: "I think that'd make us a stronger team—I'd love to keep sharing ideas if I know they'll be attributed." Mindful: She might get defensive. I'll stay on topic. Appear confident: Maintain eye contact, don't apologize for bringing it up. Negotiate: If she doesn't want to credit ideas publicly, maybe she can back me up when I present them. |
| GIVE | Gentle: No accusations of doing it "on purpose." Interested: Ask if she's experienced this differently. Validate: "I know it's fast-paced in those meetings and ideas build on each other." Easy manner: Approach it as a collaboration problem, not a character issue. |
| FAST | Fair: Not asking for more than I'd give. I credit her ideas too. Apologies: Not apologizing for the conversation. Values: Honesty and professional integrity. Truthful: Being direct, not passive-aggressive about it. |
Common Mistakes
Prioritizing GIVE at the expense of DEAR MAN. If you're so focused on keeping the peace that you never make your actual request, the skill hasn't served you.
Forgetting FAST entirely. Over-apologizing, caving on your values, or being dishonest to avoid discomfort erodes self-respect—even if you get what you want.
Not practicing before the conversation. Reading through the worksheet once is not enough. Say the key phrases out loud. Practice with someone you trust if possible.
Using interpersonal effectiveness skills only for conflict. These skills also apply to positive situations: asking for help, expressing appreciation, negotiating plans. Practice in low-stakes conversations to build the habit.
Digital Alternative
Planning conversations on paper works for scheduled discussions, but many interpersonal challenges are spontaneous. DBT Pal gives you quick-reference guides for DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST on your phone so you can prepare even with a few minutes' notice.
Practice interpersonal skills with DBT Pal
Download DBT PalRelated Worksheets
- DEAR MAN Worksheet — Deep dive into assertive communication
- GIVE Skill Worksheet — Relationship maintenance skills
- FAST Skill Worksheet — Self-respect skills
For more, see DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Worksheets. For printable worksheets, visit DBT Worksheets PDF Free.
FAQ
What is interpersonal effectiveness in DBT? One of the four DBT modules. It teaches you to ask for what you need, say no, and handle conflict while maintaining relationships and self-respect through DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST.
Which skill should I use? Depends on your priority. DEAR MAN for getting your objective, GIVE for preserving the relationship, FAST for self-respect. Most situations involve all three.
Can I use all three in one conversation? Yes. DEAR MAN structures what you say, GIVE shapes how you say it, FAST keeps you aligned with your values. They're designed to layer together.
What if the other person doesn't respond well? You can't control reactions. These skills give you the best chance of a good outcome, but not a guarantee. A poor outcome despite good skills is information about the relationship.