DEAR MAN in DBT: Examples of Assertive Communication
DEAR MAN is one of the core interpersonal effectiveness skills in DBT. It's a structured approach for asking for what you need or saying no to what you don't want—while maintaining the relationship and your self-respect.
The skill sounds simple in theory. In practice, using it during actual conversations requires preparation and repetition. Breaking down each component and seeing how they work together can make the skill more accessible when you need it.
What DEAR MAN Stands For
DEAR MAN is an acronym where each letter represents a step in effective communication:
D - Describe: State the facts of the situation objectively, without interpretation or judgment
E - Express: Share how you feel about the situation using "I" statements
A - Assert: Clearly state what you want or need
R - Reinforce: Explain the positive outcome if your request is met
M - Mindful: Stay focused on your goal without getting sidetracked
A - Appear confident: Use confident tone, posture, and eye contact
N - Negotiate: Be willing to give to get—find compromise if needed
The first four (DEAR) are about what you say. The last three (MAN) are about how you say it.
Breaking Down Each Step
Describe
Start with the facts—what happened, when, what you observed. Keep it neutral. This isn't the place for interpretation or assumptions about why the other person did something.
Instead of: "You never help around here"
Try: "I've noticed that the dishes have been in the sink for three days"
Express
Share your emotional response using "I" statements. This connects the facts to your experience without blaming.
Instead of: "You're so inconsiderate"
Try: "I feel frustrated when I come home to a full sink after a long day"
Assert
Be clear and specific about what you're asking for. Vague requests are hard to fulfill.
Instead of: "I need you to do better"
Try: "I'd like us to split dish duty so neither of us feels overwhelmed"
Reinforce
Explain why meeting your request benefits the relationship or the other person. This gives them a reason to cooperate.
Example: "If we can figure out a system that works, I think we'll both feel less resentful"
Mindful
Stay focused on the current topic. When conversations get difficult, it's easy to bring up past grievances or get pulled into side arguments. Keep returning to your goal.
Appear Confident
Your body language and tone matter. Make eye contact, speak clearly, avoid apologizing for having needs. Even if you don't feel confident, acting confident can help.
Negotiate
Be open to compromise. The goal is effectiveness, not winning. If your initial request can't be met, explore alternatives that still address your core need.
Practical Examples
Example 1: Asking for Schedule Flexibility at Work
D: "I've been covering weekend shifts for the past three weeks"
E: "I'm feeling burned out and I'm struggling to maintain time with my family"
A: "I'd like to take the next two weekends off"
R: "If I can recharge, I'll be more effective and less likely to need sick days"
M: (Stay focused on this request, don't bring up other work grievances)
A: (Speak clearly and calmly, maintain eye contact)
N: "If both weekends are difficult, could we find coverage for at least one?"
Example 2: Setting a Boundary with a Friend
D: "You've called me three times this week late at night when I've said I go to bed at 10"
E: "I feel frustrated because I'm losing sleep and then feeling drained the next day"
A: "I need you to call before 9pm if you want to talk"
R: "That way I'll actually be present and able to listen instead of half-asleep"
M: (If they bring up "but you used to stay up late," redirect to your current need)
A: (Stand by your boundary without excessive apologizing)
N: "If something urgent comes up, you can text and I'll get back to you in the morning"
Example 3: Making a Request in a Relationship
D: "We haven't spent time together without screens in a few weeks"
E: "I miss connecting with you and I feel disconnected lately"
A: "I'd like to have one evening a week where we do something together—cook, walk, whatever"
R: "I think it would help us feel more connected and catch up on each other's lives"
M: (Stay focused on the request, avoid cataloging everything else that's bothering you)
A: (Ask clearly without undermining your request with "it's probably stupid but...")
N: "If a whole evening is too much right now, could we start with an hour?"
Common Challenges
Feeling selfish: Having needs isn't selfish. DEAR MAN helps you express them in a way that respects both yourself and the other person.
Fear of conflict: The alternative—not expressing needs—often leads to more resentment and bigger conflicts later.
Getting derailed: When conversations get heated, the Mindful step is crucial. Keep returning to your goal.
Not knowing what you want: Before using DEAR MAN, spend time clarifying what you actually need. Vague requests get vague results.
Practice Before You Need It
DEAR MAN works better when you've practiced beforehand:
- Write out each step for an upcoming conversation
- Practice saying it out loud—tone and pacing matter
- Role-play with someone you trust
- Start with lower-stakes situations before high-stakes ones
Using a diary card to track interpersonal situations can help you identify patterns and prepare for common scenarios.
How DBT Pal Supports Interpersonal Skills
DBT Pal keeps interpersonal effectiveness skills accessible and provides a way to track your practice:
- Access DEAR MAN and other interpersonal skills when you need them
- Log situations where you used or could have used the skill
- Track patterns in your interpersonal challenges
- Build consistency in your practice over time
Getting Started
If you want to practice interpersonal effectiveness skills, DBT Pal provides access to exercises and tracking.
For more on DBT skills: